The One Where Rob Estes Plays an Indian
I = Johnny Betts. This = Rider Review. You = Indifferent Reader.
Folks, I started doing these Rider Reviews back in October of 2000. Do you realize that this is just the ninth review I’ve done in over a year? At this rate it’ll take me almost 8 years to finish all the reviews. That’s just too long. I’ve got stuff to do! I have books I want to write! Believe me, I’m the first person that doesn’t want it to take 8 years to finish the reviews.
UPDATE – 10/12/2020 – Ha! I sure didn’t factor in a 16-year hiatus! Oh well, I’m back and better than ever now!
UPDATE – 3/8/2023 – Ha! I sure didn’t factor in another 2.5-year hiatus! Oh well, I’m back and better than ever now!
In the last poll the reader was asked to decide what best described Johnny Betts. Here were the choices:
A) Johnny Betts is a “rude abnoxious” jerk who should be “punced” in the face.
B) Johnny Betts is “an amazingly talented writer.”
C) Fair-dinkum, that Johnny Betts is a bonza bloke!
D) Other (please specify exactly what you think I am)
The results are in, although they’re not definitive. Nobody outright chose “A”, although “the answer has to lie somewhere between A and B” was a choice. Gail Grundman feels I’m a “fun cross between B and C.”
“B” and “D” were the two most popular choices. Here are my three favorite “D” responses:
1) Lisa: I think you are the funniest guy I’ve ever read in a long time. Your reviews never fail to bring a smile to my face (although you do take great pleasure in degrading Buck, but then again he gets off pretty easy compared to Kid. LOL). I must say JB you are probably one of the freshest voices to hit the fandom in a very long time and I for one am glad you’re here.
Lisa is a very bright person; I think you would all be wise to listen to what she says.
2) Rhiannon: Johnny Betts is an amazingly talented bonza bloke, whom the rude obnoxious jerks of the world should pounce upon the opportunity to emulate.
Rhiannon is a very bright person; I think you would all be wise to listen to what she says.
3) Jess: Let the eulogy of Johnny Betts read: “He was a cool dude, but his better angels were shouted down by this odd compulsion he had to name other people, besides the Sensational Jess, his number one fan.”
Jess is a very bright person; I think you would all be wise to listen to what she says.
In the other “poll” I asked you, the lazy reader, to take 20 seconds out of your day to let me know what you thought Jed’s last words to Kid should’ve been. Here are the responses:
Waitstill Baxter: “Ty! … This is the end *choking* of YOUR CAREER!!!”
Raye: Kid: “Jed … I knew you’d never have shot me.” Jed: “Well, there’s a sucker born every minute and you’re a prime example.”
Jeanette: “Hickok’s trying to steal the show from you … don’t … let him.”
Jess: “Fuzzy wuzzy was a bear, fuzzy wuzzy had no hair, fuzzy wuzzy wasn’t really fuzzy, was he?”
That’s it, all of FOUR responses. Good job, guys (or I should say gals), reeeeeal good job. No polls or trivia questions for you in this review. Sorry, you brought it upon yourself.
Here are the Rider Review awards for this “week:”
Rider Review Mark of the Week: JESS! She answered all my “poll” questions AND she submitted questions for the Johnny Betts interview. She did everything required of her.
Rider Review Mark of the Week Runner Up: Rhiannon. Very good job by Rhiannon. She was one of only two people to show interest in the Johnny Betts interview.
Rider Review Feedbacker of the Week: Once again, it’s Jeanette Rider. I’d also like to give props to Jeanette’s little league Oceanside team who should’ve been Little League World Series bound. The team that beat them was a N.Y. Bronx team that had a pitcher who was about 27 years old. The age limit is 12. It’s just not right.
Best International Stalker: The Dutch lass herself, Suzanne.
It’s time to find out exactly why it’s a Good Day to Die!
Kid sees smoke and discovers that one of the Pony Express waystations has been burned. Matt O’Connell is still alive. He says “snake man” a few times before dying. After initially telling Matt to save his strength and not talk, Kid repeatedly asks if he’s trying to say “snake man.” Yes Kid, I think that was pretty obvious. And, I think Kid’s constant badgering had a little something to do with facilitating Matt’s death. Poor guy.
Kid sees an Indian who turns out to be alive. They get in a fight that lasts until the Indian is thrown into the fence. The Indian turns out to be Rob Estes who looks a little like the Rock as the Scorpion King.
TYR TRIVIA: How many people out there know that Ty Miller was the best man in Rob Estes’ wedding? That’s actually true.
Back at some saloon Cody is talking about Jimmy flying around like some guy named Leotard. Some mountain man guy comes in and announces that there’s a “Sioux war party out near Broken Fart.”
Broken Fart? What on earth is this guy talking about?
Cody: He say Broken Fort?
Jimmy: No, I believe he said Broken Fart.
Cody: What’s that even mean?
Jimmy: Who knows? He’s old, just like Teaspoon, and do you have any idea what Teaspoon is talking about most the time?
Cody: Good point.
Rob Estes is doing some chanting and quickly gets on Kid’s nerves. Kid wants to know what in the world he’s doing, and Curly says he’s preparing to die. He and Kid have a bit of an ol’ chinwag wherein Curly explains he was at the waystation because he saw the smoke whilst hunting Buffalo.
Kid: Who’s Snake Man?
Curly: I don’t know.
Kid: He’s an Indian ain’t he?
Curly: You know all white men by name? (ha!)
Kid then gets huffy and says something like, “All I know is all your kind look pretty much the same.” My goodness! I know Kid’s from Virginia, but was that really necessary? He then tells Curly, “You got a smart mouth.” If Kid tells Curly, “You got a purty mouth” then I promise I’m stopping this review RIGHT NOW!
Kid wants to know how Curly learned to speak English so well. I’d like to know that too. He sure worked hard on making sure he really had no accent. Curly says, “My mother taught me many tongues, forked is only one of them.” Turns out Curly’s mother is white.
Speaking of white people, Curly seems to think they’re the only ones who break treaties and do bad things. White males, we’re always taking the blame. Kid will have none of it though, he’s gonna take Curly to Sweetwater for a trial.
Speaking of trials, it’s now time for the long-awaited BON JOVI SECRET SOCIETY story. Let’s go back to 1986. I was but a young lad of 11, and I was in the 6th grade. Slippery When Wet was all the rage, and I think I was the only kid left in class who didn’t have a copy.
Talking my mom into getting me the tape was not an easy task. She nearly had a heart attack when she saw the Social Disease song title. “Oh, Jason P’s mother had the same concern at first, but all the song says is ‘Love is a social disease.'” Jason P was one of the “good” kids in class. All I had to do was tell my mom that Jason’s mom approved and I was set to go.
My mom got me the Slippery When Wet tape. Whilst perusing the inside cover I saw where you could become a member of the Bon Jovi Secret Society for only $10. I ran to my mom and asked if I could join. She wasn’t thrilled about it, but after much deliberation she relented and said I could, but I’d have to pay for it myself.
What a deal. For $10 I got 4 newsletters and 3 color 8X10s. The most memorable 8X10 is one with Bon Jovi wearing a red codpiece. I’m sure I still have those pictures somewhere, but they’re probably packed away in my parents’ attic. I also got a cool paper membership card with my name typed on it! How special I felt. I still have that thing lying around; I’ll scan it in one day so everybody can be jealous of it.
The best day was when the first newsletter came. I got home from school and saw it on the table. I took it upstairs and immediately starting reading it as if it were a well-crafted Johnny Betts Rider Review. Then I came to the part where Tito or somebody said he thanked God every day for his success. BINGO! Bon Jovi was just a big ol’ Christian band! I’d show my mom this snippet and she’d praise me for listening to such uplifting music from such admirable role models. I just knew she’d be so impressed that she’d probably offer to renew my subscription for me when it ran out.
If it were only so easy. I showed my mom that quote, but then she proceeded to show me about 20 different cuss words that my dad found when he was looking through it before I got home from school. Seems I hadn’t gotten to those parts yet. My mom then started going on and on about how she can’t believe I paid $10 to read that trash and how she regrets letting me join the club and how this was the biggest mistake of all time. I simply hung my head and slowly walked out of the room as her complaints faded further and further into the background.
I think that if she had seen the codpiece picture she would’ve been singing a different tune.
We see Kid riding on his horse and Curly has his hands tied and is forced to run behind the horse. Curly ain’t too keen on that and claims he’d treat Kid better if he were HIS prisoner. Kid makes a good point by saying he’d be a scalp on Curly’s belt if that were the case. Curly admits that would be a place of honor and respect.
Back at the homestead we see the riders discussing the current happenings. As usual, Jimmy wants to see some action. Emma wants everybody to sit tight, but we know that won’t happen.
Kid does a horrible job of trying to pronounce Curly’s real name, so Kid is instructed to just call him Curly.
The fun is broken up when an Indian war party shows up and is tipped off to the presence of Kid and Curly when a snake frightens Katy. Curly calls the hunting party cowards. A gunfight ensues and Curly declares “It’s a good day to die.” Kid is upset that he has no say in the matter.
Curly wants a gun. Kid asks Curly to “swear to God” to give it back. Curly asks whose God and Kid says his (Kid’s). Hmm, wonder what the fallout from that could be? Didn’t Kid think Curly was up to something by asking him that question? Was it really necessary to make Kid seem completely clueless throughout the entire episode?
Curly helps Kid fight off the war party but isn’t going to give the gun back because he swore to Kid’s God, not his own. And thus, we have fallout! Doesn’t matter though because they’re quickly captured.
Cody, Lou, and Jimmy ride out to the burned waystation to find out what’s going on. Cody sees Matt O’Connell’s lifeless body, while Lou sees some of the fringe from Kid’s jacket and immediately begins to make out with it. What’s up with that? Goodness. Then, as if Kid can hear her, Lou asks, “Kid, what kind of trouble you in?” All of a sudden we see Kid’s head floating above Lou saying, “Big trouble, Lou, big trouble. And why are you French-kissing the fringe from my jacket?”
Kid and Curly are lying on the ground. Curly decides that tomorrow is a better day to die. Some woman throws mud or dung on Kid’s face. Curly’s ex-fiancée shows up. Johnny Betts speaks in short sentences. Me smoke ’em peace pipe. The Indians run up to a white man on a horse. We don’t see his face, but we do see a close-up of him holding a cigar. We then see some stock footage of birds flying around in the air while Curly smells something. Hmmm, foreshadowing? I’m guessing Curly smells the smoke from the cigar. This will most likely come into play later in the show. If it doesn’t then I’ll kick major butt over the lack of continuity!
Back at the homestead (yes, I’ve used “homestead” twice, but it’s 2:00 a.m. and I plan on finishing this tonight so CUT ME SOME SLACK!) Teaspoon and the riders are discussing recent events. Lou’s off by herself sulking.
UPDATE – October 12, 2020 – Whoa, I was writing at 2:00 AM, had almost half of the review to go, and still planned on finishing that night? What kind of a LOSER was I???
Buck goes to comfort her. Being the Indian that he is, he tells Lou he “knows” Kid is fine. Of course he does, all Indians have a sixth sense about stuff like that apparently. Lou doesn’t seem so sure because after all, Buck didn’t see what happened to the Shaughnessys. She refers to the Sioux as savages. Buck asks her, “Because they’re murderers, or because they’re Indians?” SIGH. Um, BECAUSE THEY’RE MURDERERS!!!!!! Would a Buck fan please, please tell me what Lou said to imply they were savages because they were Indians? He walks off. Bunch of babies.
It’s now nighttime. Curly’s girl helps Curly and Kid escape. Curly kills one of the guards keeping watch. WHOA! THEY REALLY ARE SAVAGES! Kid isn’t too happy about this, but Curly explains a warrior never leaves his enemy alive. An INDIAN warrior nonetheless. Quit feeding the stereotype, Curly!
Kid and Curly get a couple of horses, but Curly’s girl ain’t coming, she’s quite happy where she is. She does inform Curly that the Shoshone is planning an attack on Ft. Laramie when the “moon is dark.”
Curly goes to part ways but Kid shoots at him and says he still has to take him in. How’s that for gratitude? Sure, Kid’s got principles and all, but Curly did help save his life. They get in town and the townsfolk begin taunting Curly, calling him a “girl underneath all that pretty, curly hair.” Cody stops one kid from throwing a rock.
Sam comes out when someone yells, “Whatcha waitin’ fer? Indian lover!” We then see Kid get NAILED in the head with an egg. It is very, very hilarious. In fact, I’m going to nominate it for classic scene of the episode. We’ll call it, “The scene where Kid gets nailed in the head with an egg.” There’s just something about people getting blindsided by food that cracks me up.
Sam threatens to imprison the next person who throws something. They put Curly in jail, and he refuses to talk. I imagine he’s not too happy, especially with the trapper (formerly referred to by me as “the mountain man”) telling everybody they’re going to make sure the Indian hangs.
Kid finally makes it back home, as Cody puts it, “scalp and all.” Lou seems happy to see Kid, now she doesn’t have to make out with his fringe anymore. Kid tells everybody what’s going on.
Walker, Indian Agent shows up at the jail to see Curly. He acts like he’s going to do what he can to help Curly. However, ominous music starts to play as he lights a cigar. This can only mean that Walker , Indian Agent was indeed the white man with the cigar back at the Indian camp! Curly doesn’t look too happy – he knows the jig is up. Man, I know we are ALL shocked by this turn of events!
Buck comes in and Ike takes off on a run. Buck saw no trouble. Kid is eating and asks for more bacon.
Jimmy: “Why don’t you just give him the whole pig?”
Haha! Buck tells Kid he can tell what tribe attacked the waystation if he checks out the site. Buck and Kid take off to look at the burned waystation, while Jimmy and Lou head out to talk to Curly. Jimmy wants to see the “light-haired” Indian for himself.
Everybody in town is putting down Curly. This prompts Jimmy to say the thing that he loves about Sweetwater is that everybody’s so sweet. Curly reveals he is Hunkpapa. Lou says, “Well, I don’t know if you have children, but you certainly look like a hunk papa!” Jimmy gives her a strange look. Lou then tries to explain that Kid is going to try to help Curly, but the C-man tells Lou that Kid should’ve looked in his heart.
During this conversation, Curly defends is unwillingness to talk by comparing himself to a wolverine trapped in a white man’s trap. The wolverine tries to chew his leg off to get free; he doesn’t talk. Curly obviously isn’t good with analogies because a) trap or not, wolverines can’t talk, and b) Curly isn’t actively trying to chew his leg off – literally or figuratively. Sorry, Curly, try again.
Back at the burned waystation, Buck identifies an arrow as Hunkpapa. He also declares there were six riders. When Kid asks what tribe did it, Buck responds with, “Yours.” Whoa, do you know what this means? THE EWOKS DID IT! Oh, wait a minute, Buck actually means that it was the white folk.
Buck can tell it’s white folks because Indian ponies aren’t shod. These tracks indicate that someone tried to cover the horseshoes with hide. For some reason Kid actually asks why. DUUUUUH! I’m telling you, the writers are treating Kid as if he had a lobotomy in this episode. Buck says the white folk are as bad at covering their tracks as they are at dancing. Hey!
Buck and Kid decide to go tell Sam what they found.
We see the trapper giving a long speech about wanting to hang Curly. Apparently he doesn’t believe in the law. If somebody steals something of yours then you just kill ’em because it’s the right thing to do. All righty then. He talks about how Curly MASSA-CREED an entire family. Not as badly as Trapper John, M.D. has massacred the English language here!
Then he wins at arm wrestling TWICE. I’m pretty sure this was an editing goof. He’s just winning the arm wrestling match when they all of a sudden cut to Lou and Jimmy. A few seconds later we see him winning the arm wrestling match again. I defy anyone to prove that it’s not an editing error. Lou sees a snake tattoo on his arm and quickly tells Jimmy. They follow Trapper John, M.D. to his hideout. Ladies and gentlemen (as if any guys are reading this), we have found Snake Man! Matt’s death was worth it!!!
Walker, Indian Agent catches Jimmy and Lou spying and ties them up. When Jimmy won’t speak he hits Jimmy in the face with a ladle. Jimmy takes it like a man though. Barely flinches. Jimmy says they got lost. He then says he wanted to buy his mother a fur for her birthday. Sounds legit.
Lou inexplicably blurts out that Gallagher (Trapper John, M.D.) killed the Shaughnessys. What good did she think that would do her? Did she expect Walker, Indian Agent’s mouth to drop open as he stared in disbelief at Gallagher? Did she think he would start profusely apologizing while letting her and Jimmy go? I don’t get it.
Walker, Indian Agent asks who knows they’re there. Lou then mentions Cody and Teaspoon by name and says they’re on their way, along with Marshall Cain. Would Walker really know “Cody” and “Teaspoon”? “Whoa, CODY is on his way? TEASPOON also?!? That’s it; I’m outta here!”
Walker, Indian Agent explains that Indians don’t appreciate the real value of things, so he wants to take their land. This is why he’s doing all of this. He wants to lure the Sioux into breaking their treaty. Outside, Walker, Indian Agent tells Gallagher to make sure the Indian hangs.
Curly won’t eat the “ain’t half bad” stew that Sam offers him. Don’t blame him, at least offer him some steak or buffalo or something. Kid shows up to rescue Curly. Sam goes outside and Gallagher pulls a gun on him demanding that he hand over the Indian. Apparently he plans to hang Curly tonight.
Gallagher calls Sam an Indian lover. Sam says, “Well, if it’s a war you want,” then he swings the rifle off his shoulder, cocks it, then continues, “You got it.” It’s a very cool sequence. Curly tells Kid that Walker, Indian Agent is the snake man. Kid apologizes for his lack of trust and they make their escape amidst gunfire.
I’m gonna be mad if every last citizen of Sweetwater who participated in this failed coup is not in jail by the end of the episode!
While Walker, Indian Agent is taking inventory of the guns and realizing that they’re short, Jimmy and Lou attempt to free themselves. Lou tells Jimmy to work on the ropes and while doing so he pinches or grabs Lou’s less-than-ample backside.
Lou: The ropes, Jimmy, the ropes.
Jimmy: Sorry Lou, when it comes to women my hands just got a mind of their own.
Did you see the look on Lou’s face? Woooo, she liked that! It was a look of pure bliss. I never saw that look on her face after Kid kissed or touched her. Yep, she wants Jimmy. I’m pretty sure a few of you ladies were quite jealous of Lou in this scene.
Lou fakes a cough and asks some bad guy for water. He gets some but pours it in her lap. Lou retaliates with a knee to the groin and then a WWE-style chair over his back. She frees Jimmy and they take off. Walker, Indian Agent fruitlessly fires a shot at them. His aim’s a little better as he shoots the generic bad guy who allowed them to escape.
Jimmy and Lou tell the rest of the riders what’s going on. They’re going after Walker, Indian Agent. Curly wants to join them, once again stating, “It’s a good day to die.” In a funny delivery Jimmy smiles and says, “I love this guy’s attitude.”
The riders raid the hideout. Buck gets all Indian on the bad guys and starts shooting arrows. All sorts of smack is being laid down: Ike guides a burning wagon into a powder room causing a big explosion, Curly tackles and kills some guy, Kid shoots Gallagher. You know, just another day in the life of Pony Express riders!
Walker, Indian Agent grabs Lou and tells Kid to drop his gun. As he’s about to shoot Kid, Curly rides in, jumps off his horse, and tackles Walker, Indian Agent. He’s gonna kill him, but Kid stops him. He swears that by not killing Walker, Indian Agent he will stop his plan. Curly asks whose God does he swear to, and Kid says “both.” Ah, the writers allow Kid to learn from his mistakes in this episode.
All is well, and Curly explains how he must return to his people and his destiny: “I learned of my destiny at the last moon of the leaf’s falling. I had a dream of a man with yellow hair who brings a terrible storm into the sacred circle of the earth. But the Hunkpapa will steal his thunder and defeat him, but he will rise again, and have many sons.”
Hmm, a man with yellow hair, could he be talking about Custer? Curly says he doesn’t understand the last part of his vision, so he must dream some more. I don’t think anybody understood ANY parts of his vision.
Kid says he’s gonna miss Curly. Thank goodness he didn’t try to kiss him or anything. Curly tells Kid to sit. He gives Kid a bracelet and says they’re now like brothers. He says this is possibly the world’s first ever friendship bracelet and it means they are BFFs. Kid once again unsuccessfully tries to pronounce Curly’s real name. Curly says it again, but you can see that Rob Estes was dubbed. CURLY CAN’T EVEN PRONOUNCE HIS OWN NAME! HE’S A FRAUD! HE’S NO INDIAN! Kid tells Curly to have a good destiny.
As Curly rides off, Buck acts surprised at the fact that Curly’s brother is Tatanka Iyotake. Buck reveals that is none other than Sitting Bull!
So I did a little research, and Sitting Bull did have a brother who was called Spotted Elk. Here’s the problem. Curly’s real name is Pahen Mni-Me Ja, whereas Spotted Elk’s name was Oh-Pong-Ge-Le-Skah. I also could find no information that Spotted Elk had the vision that Curly refers to. Why not just go for historical accuracy?
“I doubt they thought anybody would do this much research on the episode, Johnny.”
Oh well, that’s what I’m here for… entertainment, education, and enlightenment.
Rumor has it that there was going to be a spin-off called Walker, Indian Agent. It would have followed Walker’s trial and sentencing, and there would have perhaps been a jail break involved. They might have also delved into his backstory. Nobody wanted J. Kenneth Campbell to lead the series, but negotiations with Chuck Norris stalled. TV execs eventually decided that nobody really cared about the character, his background, or his fate, and the idea was ditched.
Norris would go on to star in the highly popular Walker, Texas Ranger.
EPILOGUE
So what did I think? It’s a good enough episode, but it’s not one of my favorites, and it’s not one you should use to try to make new fans. Walker, Indian Agent isn’t a very strong villain. He’s pretty forgettable, actually. Let’s give it 3.5 biker boots out of 5.
The post-show awards? This won’t take too long because goodness, there aren’t too many candidates!
Classic Scene of the Episode: The scene where Kid gets nailed in the head with an egg.
Sam-worthy Quip: It’s a tie between Sam Cain with, “Well, if it’s a war you want, you got it,” and Jimmy Hickok with, “I love this guy’s attitude.” In both cases, it’s all about delivery more than the actual line.
Up next is End of Innocence. The end of whose innocence? You’ll find out soon, dear reader.
To end in the immortal words of Samantha, “But he wasn’t just a bad tipper — he killed people.”
Now, more than ever, this is my opinion, you could be wrong.
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